Heartbreak

I'm in the process of reading the Chronological Study Bible and it happens that I am at the point in the new testament where Jesus is crucified.  (Easter is three days away.  No coincidences, right?)
Today I came to the verse in Matthew 27:46 where Jesus finally cries out, " 'Eli, Eli, lama sabachtani?' That is 'My God, my God, why have You forsaken me?' "

When I attended my college choir reunion a few years back, one of the songs we performed was Eli, Eli, based on these very words of Jesus on the cross.  Our choir director spent some time teaching us the correct pronunciation of each of the words, 'Eli, Eli, lama sabachtani'.  So as I read it today I found myself saying the words out loud, remembering how to pronounce them. 

As I said the words out loud, I was overcome with sadness and heartache. I began to cry, then just sobbed.  It hit me.  Christ's agony on the cross was not just physical pain.   In fact, that was probably the least of it.  His agony was that he actually BECAME sin in that moment.  (According to 2 Corinthians 5:21, "God made him who had no sin to be sin for us, so that in him we might become the righteousness of God.")  His soul became black with the filth of sin, and in that moment, the worst possible moment in the history of any man on earth, he was left all alone by the Father who had sustained him all his life.  He had been 'one with the Father' every moment of his life; hearing the Father's voice, thinking the Father's thoughts, possessing the Father's power.  Always. 

Until now.  His blackest hour.  Hanging there, sin incarnate.  Alone.  Forsaken. 

The heartbreak is overwhelming.  Imagine God's own heartbreak that He could not be with Jesus.  God cannot associate Himself with sin, and at that moment, Jesus - God's own anointed Son whom He loved - WAS SIN. God could not go near him.  How the heart of God must have broken.

And there was Jesus - so accustomed to breathing in the very Life of God with every breath - suddenly without any connection whatsoever. Not just left alone, but alone with his blackened soul tortured by becoming sin.  Jesus, "who knew no sin" all his life, suddenly was himself sin.  All alone.  Hanging on a cross.  Come on!

These were my thoughts as I sat there and cried my eyes out this morning.  The heartbreak of his words, "My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?" just crushed me, in a way I never knew before.

Thank God that's not the end of the story.  History turned in that moment when Jesus gave up his spirit and sin died on that cross.  The universe changed its course. Christ overcame not only sin, but death.  He arose, walked the earth for a time, and returned to the Father in the Glory that is His, the agony over; spectacular joy and glory in its place. 

At first I cried with sorrow, and abject humility.  He did it for me. 

And then I cried with overwhelming gratitude.  He did it for me. 

Stepping Stones

This morning in my meditation, as I once again sat at the feet of Jesus and felt His hand resting on my head, I found myself repeating the phrase, "Peace like a river" in my mind.  Soon I visualized a river flowing past me as I stood on the grassy bank.  I studied it and noticed stones, large and small, just beneath the surface near the bank.  Then I noticed that there were stones just beneath the surface all the way across the river to the other side.  Stones large enough to walk on.  I realized that I could use the stones to cross the river if I had to. 

The stones were not up above the water line, but just beneath the surface.  So if I were to cross, I would get my feet wet, but I could cross. 

That was my vision today.  The message is that yes, I may get my feet wet, but I CAN cross over to continue my journey where it leads. 

At Jesus' Feet

Today I try to meditate.  I don't really know how.  I sit quietly with eyes closed and try to clear my mind.  How do you clear a mind that won't stop?  I try simply listening.  I hear a motor outside.  I hear a plane overhead.  And I hear the loud ticking of the clock.  I try to concentrate on the ticking and try to move my hearing beyond the ticking to listen more deeply.  Not really working.

I try to think of only God.  How can I think of God?  The idea is too broad therefore too vague.  I don't know what he looks like, He is spirit.  How do you 'think of God'?  I try picturing the face of Jesus, to concentrate on that.  Too many artists, too many paintings, too many movies with too many actors.  I don't know what he looks like.  I can't picture a face I've never seen.  Not working.

I suddenly think of Jesus' feet.  I can picture his feet.  So I see myself sitting on the floor at Jesus' feet, with him sitting on a seat beside me.  I touch his beautiful feet.  His left hand is on my head.  I try to wait and see if I feel power coming from his hand.  Not yet, it just rests there. 

At some point he calls me "My child."  And then he says, "Speak, my child."  I begin to talk about his feet.  His beautiful feet.  How they carried him from town to town spreading the Good News, then all too soon trudged through the streets bearing the weight of his own cross, finally carrying him to Golgotha where they were nailed to that very cross.  For me.  For everyone. 

He says "Tell others."

I ask, "Whom shall I tell?" 

He says, "Whoever will listen.  Leave that to me."

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My Peace

My peace does not come from thinking that nothing bad will ever happen.
My peace comes from knowing that it will,
but that God will be present in the darkness, just as He is present in the light.
And that night is always followed by the dawn.
It just is.

I Don't Want To Be The Elephant

Mother Teresa once said, "In this life we cannot do great things.  We can only do small things with great love."  This idea gives me hope.  When I think maybe I am not "doing enough", I try to remember this. 

I am also aware that I have a very human tendency to draw my ego into the large picture of sharing the Good News of God by imagining that I will one day write a best selling book about God for which I will receive great acclaim.  Or that I will perform some noteworthy deed that draws public attention to me.  You may have heard the expression 'the elephant in the room'.  Well I am learning to get the elephant named ME out of the room. 

So the thought came to me today, that if I am able, by simple obedience, to shine His light on just one person -  someone who sees and receives that same light - perhaps that will be the person who is in a position to shine the  light to hundreds or thousands of others.  And I think that is a much healthier way for me to imagine my role. 

In the meantime, I will joyfully tell everyone of God's mercy and generosity.  I will not hold back from shining God's light on all I meet.  With the help of Jesus, I will shine in any small way I can, with great Love.

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The List

I pray for strangers on line at a prayer ministry web site.  I always ask for the Holy Spirit to help me with this, because often I find myself unable to focus as I should.  My own cares and distractions leak through the cracks in my concentration and I can only hope that God understands my human frailty enough to hear my prayers anyway.  Other times I really feel the power of God's presence and I am able to lose myself and lift up the needs of the people I am praying for.

Then every so often I come across a prayer request that kind of makes me smile to myself, and although I have taken a vow to "pray without judgment" on this site,  I occasionally shake my head a little.  Like today.  There was a request that listed, and I mean a numbered list, ten requests for their life.  That's not a bad thing, I kind of liked it because it helped me with my focus problem.  The person was following Jesus' instruction to pray specifically for what we need.  But as I neared the end of the list I did that little smile thing when I saw requests for "new cars" (yes plural) and big job promotions and houses (again plural). 

When I see things like that, I wonder if I am supposed to actually pray for those things exactly as requested.  I can't seem to do it.  Instead I find myself praying that God will provide for all the person's needs.  And I also pray for God's presence in their lives and a closer relationship with Him. The list just seems more like a child's Christmas wish list for Santa Claus than a prayer. 

So today I pray for wisdom in praying for others.  I pray that the Holy Spirit will indeed take over where I am at a loss to know how to pray.  I pray for compassion and mercy as I read the most intimate prayers of strangers, and I pray that we all come to be brothers and sisters in Christ, and pray for each other, lifting each other up every day into the Light of God's care and wisdom.
And I hope that's not too much of a list.

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Another Word

I said yesterday that my "one word" to focus on and live by in 2012 is balance.
Today I have another word to focus on.  I seem to need this word today.  The word is light.

I have been troubled by a nagging darkness in my mind.  Some sort of worry and dread.  I know it's job-related.  I fear I have not done enough. I fear trying something new.  I fear that I will disappoint.  I fear that I have blown opportunities with inaction.
I know that fear is wrong.  So today I will remember the word light.

I read a very helpful piece by Norman Vincent Peale today that reminded me of God's light.  God's light dissipates any kind of darkness we experience.  So today I will bring my fears out of the darkness and into the Light.  Please help me, Lord, to do this.
Thank you.