Heartbreak

I'm in the process of reading the Chronological Study Bible and it happens that I am at the point in the new testament where Jesus is crucified.  (Easter is three days away.  No coincidences, right?)
Today I came to the verse in Matthew 27:46 where Jesus finally cries out, " 'Eli, Eli, lama sabachtani?' That is 'My God, my God, why have You forsaken me?' "

When I attended my college choir reunion a few years back, one of the songs we performed was Eli, Eli, based on these very words of Jesus on the cross.  Our choir director spent some time teaching us the correct pronunciation of each of the words, 'Eli, Eli, lama sabachtani'.  So as I read it today I found myself saying the words out loud, remembering how to pronounce them. 

As I said the words out loud, I was overcome with sadness and heartache. I began to cry, then just sobbed.  It hit me.  Christ's agony on the cross was not just physical pain.   In fact, that was probably the least of it.  His agony was that he actually BECAME sin in that moment.  (According to 2 Corinthians 5:21, "God made him who had no sin to be sin for us, so that in him we might become the righteousness of God.")  His soul became black with the filth of sin, and in that moment, the worst possible moment in the history of any man on earth, he was left all alone by the Father who had sustained him all his life.  He had been 'one with the Father' every moment of his life; hearing the Father's voice, thinking the Father's thoughts, possessing the Father's power.  Always. 

Until now.  His blackest hour.  Hanging there, sin incarnate.  Alone.  Forsaken. 

The heartbreak is overwhelming.  Imagine God's own heartbreak that He could not be with Jesus.  God cannot associate Himself with sin, and at that moment, Jesus - God's own anointed Son whom He loved - WAS SIN. God could not go near him.  How the heart of God must have broken.

And there was Jesus - so accustomed to breathing in the very Life of God with every breath - suddenly without any connection whatsoever. Not just left alone, but alone with his blackened soul tortured by becoming sin.  Jesus, "who knew no sin" all his life, suddenly was himself sin.  All alone.  Hanging on a cross.  Come on!

These were my thoughts as I sat there and cried my eyes out this morning.  The heartbreak of his words, "My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?" just crushed me, in a way I never knew before.

Thank God that's not the end of the story.  History turned in that moment when Jesus gave up his spirit and sin died on that cross.  The universe changed its course. Christ overcame not only sin, but death.  He arose, walked the earth for a time, and returned to the Father in the Glory that is His, the agony over; spectacular joy and glory in its place. 

At first I cried with sorrow, and abject humility.  He did it for me. 

And then I cried with overwhelming gratitude.  He did it for me. 

Stepping Stones

This morning in my meditation, as I once again sat at the feet of Jesus and felt His hand resting on my head, I found myself repeating the phrase, "Peace like a river" in my mind.  Soon I visualized a river flowing past me as I stood on the grassy bank.  I studied it and noticed stones, large and small, just beneath the surface near the bank.  Then I noticed that there were stones just beneath the surface all the way across the river to the other side.  Stones large enough to walk on.  I realized that I could use the stones to cross the river if I had to. 

The stones were not up above the water line, but just beneath the surface.  So if I were to cross, I would get my feet wet, but I could cross. 

That was my vision today.  The message is that yes, I may get my feet wet, but I CAN cross over to continue my journey where it leads. 

At Jesus' Feet

Today I try to meditate.  I don't really know how.  I sit quietly with eyes closed and try to clear my mind.  How do you clear a mind that won't stop?  I try simply listening.  I hear a motor outside.  I hear a plane overhead.  And I hear the loud ticking of the clock.  I try to concentrate on the ticking and try to move my hearing beyond the ticking to listen more deeply.  Not really working.

I try to think of only God.  How can I think of God?  The idea is too broad therefore too vague.  I don't know what he looks like, He is spirit.  How do you 'think of God'?  I try picturing the face of Jesus, to concentrate on that.  Too many artists, too many paintings, too many movies with too many actors.  I don't know what he looks like.  I can't picture a face I've never seen.  Not working.

I suddenly think of Jesus' feet.  I can picture his feet.  So I see myself sitting on the floor at Jesus' feet, with him sitting on a seat beside me.  I touch his beautiful feet.  His left hand is on my head.  I try to wait and see if I feel power coming from his hand.  Not yet, it just rests there. 

At some point he calls me "My child."  And then he says, "Speak, my child."  I begin to talk about his feet.  His beautiful feet.  How they carried him from town to town spreading the Good News, then all too soon trudged through the streets bearing the weight of his own cross, finally carrying him to Golgotha where they were nailed to that very cross.  For me.  For everyone. 

He says "Tell others."

I ask, "Whom shall I tell?" 

He says, "Whoever will listen.  Leave that to me."

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My Peace

My peace does not come from thinking that nothing bad will ever happen.
My peace comes from knowing that it will,
but that God will be present in the darkness, just as He is present in the light.
And that night is always followed by the dawn.
It just is.

I Don't Want To Be The Elephant

Mother Teresa once said, "In this life we cannot do great things.  We can only do small things with great love."  This idea gives me hope.  When I think maybe I am not "doing enough", I try to remember this. 

I am also aware that I have a very human tendency to draw my ego into the large picture of sharing the Good News of God by imagining that I will one day write a best selling book about God for which I will receive great acclaim.  Or that I will perform some noteworthy deed that draws public attention to me.  You may have heard the expression 'the elephant in the room'.  Well I am learning to get the elephant named ME out of the room. 

So the thought came to me today, that if I am able, by simple obedience, to shine His light on just one person -  someone who sees and receives that same light - perhaps that will be the person who is in a position to shine the  light to hundreds or thousands of others.  And I think that is a much healthier way for me to imagine my role. 

In the meantime, I will joyfully tell everyone of God's mercy and generosity.  I will not hold back from shining God's light on all I meet.  With the help of Jesus, I will shine in any small way I can, with great Love.

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The List

I pray for strangers on line at a prayer ministry web site.  I always ask for the Holy Spirit to help me with this, because often I find myself unable to focus as I should.  My own cares and distractions leak through the cracks in my concentration and I can only hope that God understands my human frailty enough to hear my prayers anyway.  Other times I really feel the power of God's presence and I am able to lose myself and lift up the needs of the people I am praying for.

Then every so often I come across a prayer request that kind of makes me smile to myself, and although I have taken a vow to "pray without judgment" on this site,  I occasionally shake my head a little.  Like today.  There was a request that listed, and I mean a numbered list, ten requests for their life.  That's not a bad thing, I kind of liked it because it helped me with my focus problem.  The person was following Jesus' instruction to pray specifically for what we need.  But as I neared the end of the list I did that little smile thing when I saw requests for "new cars" (yes plural) and big job promotions and houses (again plural). 

When I see things like that, I wonder if I am supposed to actually pray for those things exactly as requested.  I can't seem to do it.  Instead I find myself praying that God will provide for all the person's needs.  And I also pray for God's presence in their lives and a closer relationship with Him. The list just seems more like a child's Christmas wish list for Santa Claus than a prayer. 

So today I pray for wisdom in praying for others.  I pray that the Holy Spirit will indeed take over where I am at a loss to know how to pray.  I pray for compassion and mercy as I read the most intimate prayers of strangers, and I pray that we all come to be brothers and sisters in Christ, and pray for each other, lifting each other up every day into the Light of God's care and wisdom.
And I hope that's not too much of a list.

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Another Word

I said yesterday that my "one word" to focus on and live by in 2012 is balance.
Today I have another word to focus on.  I seem to need this word today.  The word is light.

I have been troubled by a nagging darkness in my mind.  Some sort of worry and dread.  I know it's job-related.  I fear I have not done enough. I fear trying something new.  I fear that I will disappoint.  I fear that I have blown opportunities with inaction.
I know that fear is wrong.  So today I will remember the word light.

I read a very helpful piece by Norman Vincent Peale today that reminded me of God's light.  God's light dissipates any kind of darkness we experience.  So today I will bring my fears out of the darkness and into the Light.  Please help me, Lord, to do this.
Thank you.

My Word for 2012

I recently read an article in Guideposts magazine by author Debbie Macomber that talked about choosing one word at the beginning of each year to "focus on and live by" throughout that year.   Some of Debbie's former words have been trust, brokenness, and hope. I had never heard of this practice, but since reading the article I have run across several more references to it, including author Julie Garmon, another Daily Guideposts contributor whose blog I have recently found.  She chooses a word too, and this year her word is surrender. (Ah yes, I know that one well.)  It seemed like a good idea to me.

 For 2012 I have chosen the word balance.  (Or it has chosen me.)

 I need to keep myself in check so that I don't run off in one direction for too long and with too great an intensity.  I sometimes get lost in a project, or internet search, or some sort of worry, or any number of other things and then find that I have used up too much of my time on that one thing, neglecting other equally important things.  So I need to balance out my days, and my concentration.

This really needs to be a conscious effort on my part.  In particular, I tend to neglect physical activities and instead pursue cerebral ones.  I neglect household duties in favor of creative pursuits. I put off personal contact with friends and family and stay inside my own head.  None of this is healthy, and I pray to God that He will help me with balance this year.

Lord, please teach me to balance work with play,
balance solitude with connection,
balance mental with physical,
and balance prayer with action.
In Jesus' powerful name, through whom all things are possible,
Amen

End of the Year Thoughts

We are nearing the end of another calendar year.  Although the sun sets on December 31 and rises again on January 1st, as it does every evening and every morning, still there is something spiritual about the new beginning.  The calendar year helps me mark a good opportunity for renewal.

Lord, help me to turn over the hourglass and begin again my commitment to You and all that You have ordered for my life. As the sand begins to sift yet again through the glass, make me new.  Help me to take courage, and to renew my strength.

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Thanksgiving

I must keep reminding myself,
God is not my personal Genie.
I don't get to keep Him for myself
to tend to my personal needs
and be at the top of His to-do list.
God's blessings are not just for me.
Christ died to make sure that God is
for everyone.

And while it is true that we are all
beloved by God,
none of us is "special" to Him.
If we believe we are "special"
then we don't know God at all.
Lord help me to remember that.
Help me to treat all your children with
the same Love and Mercy that You do.
Thanksgiving indeed.
Thank you Lord for the most precious blessing of all.
That You are.
Your name is "I am that I am".
Thank you for being.

All Things Are Made New

Some kind of  thought keeps trying to form in my brain.  Some kind of Truth of God's Kingdom. And the thought is, it's all about your mind.  What you hold in your mind.  "The Kingdom of God is within you."   "Be ye transformed by the renewing of your mind."  "All things are made new".

All things are made new when we choose to be in Christ and see things according to his nature, not ours.   Let's face it, our attitudes are determined by how we choose to view things.   The key word is "choose".

 Angry because of lack?  Or grateful for what we have?  
Sad and desperate because of an ending?  Or hopeful and joyous at the prospect of a new beginning?  
Fearful because of an uncertain future?  Or calm and peaceful because we know God is a faithful Father?

Some days it seems impossible to control our thoughts.  Fear seems so much stronger and bigger than faith when we're caught fast in our tangled ball of troubles. 

But God truly is bigger than all our fears.  Jesus didn't just suggest that we calm down.  He commanded it:

"Do not worry about your life, what you will eat; or about your body, what you will wear." (Luke 12:22)
"Do not worry about tomorrow." (Matthew 6:34)
"Don't let your hearts be troubled. Trust in God, and trust also in me." (John 14:1)

He instructs us, he tells us, "don't let.."  That means we have control over it.
I believe that in the middle of trouble, we can disengage ourselves from the trauma by filling our minds with the glory and promise of God, displacing the fear with faith.  The situation may still exist for awhile, but with practiced faith thoughts, I truly believe we can ease the anxiety, ease the fear, and watch God untangle the yarn of trouble. 

Dear God, please help me remember that you "have not given us a spirit of fear, but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind."  Please help everyone who is looking to you for hope today. 
In Jesus' Holy Name,
Amen

What is True?

Just when I find one more answer, I have twenty more questions.
Is the Bible all true? 
Yes, the Bible is all true.
Is it all literal?  All factual?
Ah, there's the question.
True it is.  But Truth is bigger than facts. 
I can't just go knee-deep into the Bible and take it at the literal level.
I have to jump in and totally immerse myself in it to see the Truth it reveals.
If everything we need to know is written down in the Bible, then why did Jesus send the Holy Spirit to explain more to us?  To teach us more about Him? 
I think we make a big mistake when we take the Bible so literally that we are afraid to open our hearts to the Holy Spirit and learn more.  And that's More with a capital M.  Divine More. 
I never doubt where the Bible points.  It points to God, the Creator, the one and only God of the universe.
And the entire Bible leads us to Jesus, who shows us the very nature of God. 

I once heard a Christian radio show where the famous host made a statement I'll never forget.  He said, concerning the Bible, "Focus on the essentials, not the incidentals."

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Thought for Today

We cannot fight hate with hate.
We can only dissolve hate with love.

What Am I Doing?

Today on this beautiful Sunday morning I sit and wonder, what am I doing to help spread the knowledge of God?
I have friends who are Christians and friends who don't believe at all.  I have tried to share my faith with one of those unbelieving friends, but I have not tried very hard.  I am not bold.

I am not ashamed of Jesus, not ashamed of God, and do not hesitate to state my unconditional belief. When the subject comes up.  But then what? 

Well, I pray.  I pray that everyone will know God.  I pray that the people of this stupid, off-kilter world will begin to love one another as they begin to know God.  I pray that we all see God in each other.  And in the mirror.  I pray that God will do what I cannot possibly do.  Convict and convince everyone that He is not only real, he is their Father.  I cannot convince anyone.  That's between them and God.

But I will continue to pray.  And I will continue to tell people I'm praying for them.  I will continue to let people know that my husband and I could not have made it this far without a complete surrender to God.  That God has carried us when we could not walk, could not stagger, through the mess we had made of our lives.  That He forgave us and blessed us as if we weren't the sinners we clearly were.  And of course, no one is without sin, so we are sinners still.  and He is faithful still.

Help me Lord to be bold when that is what is needed.  Help me to be subtle when a whisper will work better than a strong wind.  Help me to speak the Truth and trust You to give me the right words to say.  Help me to remember that even though I don't trust myself to say the right thing, I can always trust You.
Thank you Father. 

Be the Book

Once again I'm thinking about my unfinished book about God.  My ongoing work-in-progress.  It's intended as "an introduction to God" for those who don't know Him but are willing to hear about Him.  (Inspired by a friend who said she doesn't really believe, but would be willing to "keep an open mind" if I wrote something.)

Anyway, I've started it three times over the last five or six years.  The title has changed four times.  I write some, then give it a rest, then read it back, scrap a lot of it, and start again.

I do want to finish it (as if a book about God could ever be finished!) but it occurs to me that before I can write the book, I have to be the book.  If I'm rightly related to God, then people should be able to look at me and read what God has written on my heart. 

Lord, help me today to be Your living, walking book.

Written On Our Hearts

Long ago God promised that with his "new covenant", he would write his laws directly on our hearts and minds.  He promised that we wouldn't have to inquire of anyone about Him, because we would have his laws imprinted within us.

I believe He has done it.  I believe everyone knows what's right and wrong because it is written on their hearts.

I believe that we embark on the road to hell when we choose to ignore what is written on our hearts by God himself.  When we choose "the world", when we choose greed, when we choose to win at all costs, we are choosing various forms of death.

So choose Life.  Take a look inside your heart and read what's there.  There is your happiness.
There is Real Life.

Meek is not Weak

I have just read again the words "the meek shall inherit the land" (Psalm 37;11).  And of course, in the sermon on the mount, Jesus said "Blessed are the meek for they shall inherit the earth.". 

I've read a little about the use of the word "meek" in the Bible, and how its usage is different from our first-glance assumption that meek equals weak.

We choose to be meek.  By giving up our 'right to ourselves' we yield our very selves to the authority of Christ, who always has our best interest at heart, and is well able to act on our behalf in ways far far superior to anything we could think or do for ourselves.

By becoming meek, we indeed inherit all that matters because we allow ourselves to be carried by the Master. 
What could be better?

Lord, help me today to yield to Your strength, Your wisdom, Your plan, and Your never ending love.

Perfect Faith

Sometimes when God's mysteries seem to be clear, and we understand things as we have never understood them before, it's easy to think, "Ah, now my faith is perfect."

But the truth is, faith is only perfect when we're in despair, in the dark, understanding nothing, and still believe that even though we are in the dark, we can put our trust in God and He will not fail us. 

He's Here

God exists,

whether you believe it or not.

God is Love,

whether you choose to receive it

or not.

God will help you

but you have to reach out your hand

to take His.

It’s just how it works.

“Faith is being sure of what we hope for

And certain of what we do not see.”

You can be sure. You can be certain.

Don’t listen to voices

that tell you otherwise.

In fact,

God is the only thing that’s real

because God is the only thing

that never changes,

even if our perception of Him does.

God is the only reality.

Just believe.

Out of the Way

Lord, help me today to empty my self out, and be all that you created me to be. I am not special. I am not more loved, nor more favored by You than anyone else. But the apostle Paul said that we are all given "special gifts" to be used by You for your purposes. Help me Father, to get out of your way today and allow You to use the special gift you have given me for whatever purpose comes before me. And help me to remember that I may not always be aware of the result, lest I take credit. But give me more Faith to know that if I remain in the Light, You are being served.