Heartbreak

I'm in the process of reading the Chronological Study Bible and it happens that I am at the point in the new testament where Jesus is crucified.  (Easter is three days away.  No coincidences, right?)
Today I came to the verse in Matthew 27:46 where Jesus finally cries out, " 'Eli, Eli, lama sabachtani?' That is 'My God, my God, why have You forsaken me?' "

When I attended my college choir reunion a few years back, one of the songs we performed was Eli, Eli, based on these very words of Jesus on the cross.  Our choir director spent some time teaching us the correct pronunciation of each of the words, 'Eli, Eli, lama sabachtani'.  So as I read it today I found myself saying the words out loud, remembering how to pronounce them. 

As I said the words out loud, I was overcome with sadness and heartache. I began to cry, then just sobbed.  It hit me.  Christ's agony on the cross was not just physical pain.   In fact, that was probably the least of it.  His agony was that he actually BECAME sin in that moment.  (According to 2 Corinthians 5:21, "God made him who had no sin to be sin for us, so that in him we might become the righteousness of God.")  His soul became black with the filth of sin, and in that moment, the worst possible moment in the history of any man on earth, he was left all alone by the Father who had sustained him all his life.  He had been 'one with the Father' every moment of his life; hearing the Father's voice, thinking the Father's thoughts, possessing the Father's power.  Always. 

Until now.  His blackest hour.  Hanging there, sin incarnate.  Alone.  Forsaken. 

The heartbreak is overwhelming.  Imagine God's own heartbreak that He could not be with Jesus.  God cannot associate Himself with sin, and at that moment, Jesus - God's own anointed Son whom He loved - WAS SIN. God could not go near him.  How the heart of God must have broken.

And there was Jesus - so accustomed to breathing in the very Life of God with every breath - suddenly without any connection whatsoever. Not just left alone, but alone with his blackened soul tortured by becoming sin.  Jesus, "who knew no sin" all his life, suddenly was himself sin.  All alone.  Hanging on a cross.  Come on!

These were my thoughts as I sat there and cried my eyes out this morning.  The heartbreak of his words, "My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?" just crushed me, in a way I never knew before.

Thank God that's not the end of the story.  History turned in that moment when Jesus gave up his spirit and sin died on that cross.  The universe changed its course. Christ overcame not only sin, but death.  He arose, walked the earth for a time, and returned to the Father in the Glory that is His, the agony over; spectacular joy and glory in its place. 

At first I cried with sorrow, and abject humility.  He did it for me. 

And then I cried with overwhelming gratitude.  He did it for me. 

Stepping Stones

This morning in my meditation, as I once again sat at the feet of Jesus and felt His hand resting on my head, I found myself repeating the phrase, "Peace like a river" in my mind.  Soon I visualized a river flowing past me as I stood on the grassy bank.  I studied it and noticed stones, large and small, just beneath the surface near the bank.  Then I noticed that there were stones just beneath the surface all the way across the river to the other side.  Stones large enough to walk on.  I realized that I could use the stones to cross the river if I had to. 

The stones were not up above the water line, but just beneath the surface.  So if I were to cross, I would get my feet wet, but I could cross. 

That was my vision today.  The message is that yes, I may get my feet wet, but I CAN cross over to continue my journey where it leads. 

At Jesus' Feet

Today I try to meditate.  I don't really know how.  I sit quietly with eyes closed and try to clear my mind.  How do you clear a mind that won't stop?  I try simply listening.  I hear a motor outside.  I hear a plane overhead.  And I hear the loud ticking of the clock.  I try to concentrate on the ticking and try to move my hearing beyond the ticking to listen more deeply.  Not really working.

I try to think of only God.  How can I think of God?  The idea is too broad therefore too vague.  I don't know what he looks like, He is spirit.  How do you 'think of God'?  I try picturing the face of Jesus, to concentrate on that.  Too many artists, too many paintings, too many movies with too many actors.  I don't know what he looks like.  I can't picture a face I've never seen.  Not working.

I suddenly think of Jesus' feet.  I can picture his feet.  So I see myself sitting on the floor at Jesus' feet, with him sitting on a seat beside me.  I touch his beautiful feet.  His left hand is on my head.  I try to wait and see if I feel power coming from his hand.  Not yet, it just rests there. 

At some point he calls me "My child."  And then he says, "Speak, my child."  I begin to talk about his feet.  His beautiful feet.  How they carried him from town to town spreading the Good News, then all too soon trudged through the streets bearing the weight of his own cross, finally carrying him to Golgotha where they were nailed to that very cross.  For me.  For everyone. 

He says "Tell others."

I ask, "Whom shall I tell?" 

He says, "Whoever will listen.  Leave that to me."

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